Free fall

I am in free fall.

The moments between but not attached. That time when you realize that you are not some part of who you used to be and are moving onto what is next that has not emerged yet. I am falling and am trying to enjoy the flight rather than be terrified by where and how I might land.

In prayer Gd says - I love you I will catch you - trust - let go.

But what if I wanted to be more than simply the lilly's in the field. What if I wanted to have a home (oh wait I do), what if I wanted to be of service (oh gosh I am), what if I heard a call to a particular place (well you are still in the place you have always been - it is called here), what if I thought I could speak, organize, inspire, lead, remind, heal, call. What if I longed to be of use (well that would be the service part), no of specific use. I thought I heard Gd calling me somewhere - perhaps I found too much wonder in the story of Abraham, the listening to/for Gd even after you think you have heard part.

I am in free fall. Still I suspect where I will land. Because as my parent knew when I left home as a child in the most important ways I never left who they had helped me to become. I am falling but I suspect I am simply coming home, falling back, falling up.

For those who do not know my journey in a moment of great loss, with a need to argue with Gd, I left the Unitarian church and found my way in to a rich ritualistic experience of Gd in the Episcopal church. Being on the track for ministry I stayed on that track for the priesthood. It turns out that while as I get closer to the center of the wheel of faith - that is to a closer relationship with Gd - I can see how the lines between these systems are false reflections of our human need not a reflection of Gd's need. That even as I can see that to serve a particular spoke of the wheel I need to believe that story entirely. While I am transformed and challenged by the Christian story I do not believe it to the bone of my bones. I do, however, believe in the practice of seeking and questioning in service to relationships to, as I just put it, my bones.

It is hard to be a Unitarian in an Episcopal church so I am in free fall.

I fall knowing at least three things more fully:
1. That grace exists for all of us to claim and live within. Gd loves each of us, right where we are, just as we are that is the meaning for me of salvation.
2. That the main sacrament of my religion is the table not the elements that sit on top. A round table where all are welcome and all have a place. This is what I am called to take to the world.
3. That I am called to minister to people. I am called to all those things that I listed before - yes I am called to service - yes I am called.

OK Gd I am in free fall I need your help.

Oh and my friends that means I need your help as well because Gd works here through you!

Unitarianism in 500 words or less

Unitarianism is a non-creedal and non-doctrinal faith. So I speak for myself here. I would say that as a faith of practice two of its main "sacraments" are questioning and seeking. It supports people as they practice seeking truth, their truth. It encourages people to question, wonder and transform their beliefs into a stronger and more complex places of faith. Its salvation is the knowledge that all of us are held in the love of Gd - no exceptions. Unitarians deeply value the relational nature of life. How we live and support and thrive with each other, our communities, our world, our resources, ourselves. Often this work of relationship demands our participation in justice for all and it also demands our living lives of service, inquiry and even celebration. (Gd's world is complex and beautiful beyond our imagination). For some of us (my self included) Jesus and the trinity express an example of this - Father a source of being, Son a source of justice and change, Holy Spirit a source of renual and strength.

As I wait for some part of me to shift into a new place I am aware that nothing will happen unless I move. As I sit still and think good thoughts and move carefully around the layers of the under the parts of my life I have not embraced for some time I think - why would I want to shift that piece of my life - it seems just fine. As I respond to the nagging voices in my head saying things like "really you need to do something differently?" I side step and turn on the TV to watch Chopped just like last night. 

But something has changed in me and perhaps the biggest change is I am willing to see that change.

This is different. Someone said no to me and I did not become a weeping ball of insecurities, someone said maybe and then no and I did not stop and wonder why my entire life was falling apart, someone said yes and while I still wonder why I am stepping forward.

Today I write because I can write.

Tomorrow I will paint because I can paint.

The next day I will learn because I love to learn.

After that I will sing because there is nothing in this world that makes my heart happier.

Even as I wait, even as I wonder if I can change if the dust bunnies can be found and removed, I know that this is mine to do NOW, embrace the seeker I have always been.

KEM